


Mollymauk versus the Unflappable Firbolg

by FeralScribe



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Don't copy to another site, Don't mess with someone from a large family, Mischief, Mollymauk Lives Fest, Non-con hair dying, Post-Res, Prank Wars, brief firbolg nudity, minor "underground time" mention, unpleasant bathroom moment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-26 20:58:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19776292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeralScribe/pseuds/FeralScribe
Summary: All Molly wanted was to see a different side of Caduceus other than the composed and smiling face he always shows. He doesn't know what he's getting himself into...





	Mollymauk versus the Unflappable Firbolg

There must be a way to break Caduceus. Nothing too serious or traumatizing, but _something_ that can crack through that seemingly unflappable calm nature. Molly is determined. He knows how to get under the skin of everyone else in the party, and while he rarely uses those methods, it’s nice knowing that he _can_ if he wants or needs to. But Caduceus… Caduceus is like a mountain. A serene mountain tinged pink by the calmest sunset of the year. Molly tried to recruit Jester into helping him, but she had simply frowned at him and told him to leave Caddy alone.

Beau, however, was down for some mischief, and when Fjord and Caleb overhead their planning they asked to join in as well. Fjord Molly could understand, but he hadn’t taken Caleb for a prankster. He supposes some things changed in the few months he was underground, and he’s simply glad to have the extra help.

The four of them make an excuse to sit at a different table the next time they stop at a tavern. They conspire quietly amongst themselves on how best to get under Caduceus’s skin. None of them wants to hurt their cleric friend, but Caduceus never seems to get startled or upset or even afraid. Fjord says that’s suspicious.

“Everything’s suspicious,” Molly points out. “You’re suspicious as fuck sometimes.”

“What? How?”

Molly narrows his eyes. “I dunno, there’s just…something…” He grins. He’s only half-serious. There’s definitely stuff Fjord hasn’t shared with the group, but Molly trusts he has his reasons.

Beau clears her throat. “What if we, like, dumped all his tea into a big pile so he couldn’t tell which is which?”

Caleb shrugs. “I think Herr Clay is the sort who, er, not only knows what the different tealeaves look like, but also he would take the time to sort them back out one by one.”

“…Caleb, is that also something _you_ would do?”

Caleb goes a little pink in the ears and pretends to be interested in a tuft of fur on Frumpkin’s elbow. “Maybe…”

Molly raps his knuckles on the table to regain their attention. “Focus. We’ve got to think of a plan.”

Fjord clears his throat. “Y’know, when I… I knew some kids who used to rub rotten fish on other kids’ stuff, especially if they’d been fighting earlier. The kid would come back to their room and everything would smell awful.” Everyone knows he’s talking about the orphanage he grew up in, but none of them — not even Beau — confirms if that’s what he means, or if he was ever on the receiving end of such a prank.

“We do not have any fish,” Caleb says. “Rotten or otherwise.”

“We could cut his hair while he’s sleeping,” Beau suggests.

“Is that what happened to you?” Molly asks with a smirk.

Beau runs one hand over the short sides of her hair. “Just ‘cuz you can’t pull off this look doesn’t mean you should make fun of it.”

Molly twirls a lock of his own hair around his finger. “Why would I want to mess with perfection? Speaking of which, _no_ , we are not cutting Caddy’s hair.” He woke up the first time with a shaved head, or at least a recently-shaved head. It took ages to grow it out, and while he occasionally gets it trimmed just to even it out or deal with split ends, if someone cut it that short again he would be beyond furious. Casting a glance at Caduceus where he’s sitting with Jester and Nott, Molly knows it would be a shame to tamper with his hair. He can only imagine how long it took Caduceus to grow it into that gorgeous pastel cascade.

“Would could dye it though,” Fjord suggests. “Nothing permanent, just something that it’s a shock when he first sees it.”

That sounds good to the others. The simplest temporary dye any of them can think of is crushed berries. Berries are a little out of season, but the next day when they go out shopping the four of them keep their eyes open for anyone who might have some. Beau manages to find a fruit stand selling the last blackberries of the year, all on sale because they’re a bit squishy and sour. However, they’re perfect for their intended purpose.

That night, Fjord and Molly wait until Caduceus is snoring. Quietly they take the paste Caleb had ground up and dip the ends of Caduceus’s hair into it. It’s a bit sticky, and they have to hold it up and wait for it to dry before they can put it back down on the bed, but Caduceus stays asleep for the whole thing. Molly can’t see the exact color his hair turned in Darkvision, but it’s definitely more inky.

Fjord is the first to awaken in their room. He nudges Molly awake. Molly can’t help but notice the scent of sea water in the air, and sure enough there’s a puddle on Fjord’s side of the bed. Caduceus is still out, mouth open slightly and his nose twitching with occasional snorts. Fjord and Molly pretend to be asleep again, and Molly clears his throat loud enough to stir Caduceus. The snoring stops. Molly watches through one barely-open eye.

Caduceus stretches with a low rumbling hum. He scratches his head, which fluffs his hair and brings it into his field of vision. Molly bites back a snicker. Caduceus inspects the dyed ends for a moment, then sniffs it and nibbles on a small chunk.

“Huh. Blackberry. Bit tart, but alright.” With that, he sticks more hair in his mouth and sucks on it as he gets out of bed. Molly tries not to look bewildered. Caduceus goes about getting ready, sucking the dried juice out of his hair as if he has to do it every morning. Molly grudgingly gets up, putting on a show of stretching and yawning. Caduceus smiles at him through his mouthful of hair. “Ah, good morning.” He makes no mention of why he’s sucking on his hair or why bits of it are still dark purple.

Molly arcs his tail in his usual morning stretch. “Good morning to you to.” Fjord stops pretending to be asleep as well. Molly can see a hint of disappointment in his face.

The four of them meet again. Beau and Caleb are astonished at Caduceus’s reaction, or lack thereof.

“What if we stole his clothes while he was taking a bath?” Beau says. “Like, we would say we thought he wanted to have them washed so we sent them off or something.”

It’s not much, but it’s something.

That plan also backfires. It took many subtle hints to get Caduceus to request a bath from the inn they’re staying at. He seemed perturbed by so many of his friends mentioning that he smelled or that he looked grimy or that the ends of his hair were tinged a sickly color. That gave them hope that maybe he was going to be in a bad mood if he found out his clothes and towel were missing.

Nope.

Caduceus just walks back to the boys’ room naked.

Frankly, as far as failures go, Molly doesn’t mind this one so much. Caduceus may be bony and somewhat awkwardly proportioned, but he’s still cute. His dull grey fur sprouts patches of pink on his chest, forearms, and above his cock.

“Decided to air-dry today?” Molly asks.

Caduceus shrugs. “There must have been a misunderstanding. My towel went missing while I was in the bath. That’s fine. I got used to drying off like this at the temple. I’m just concerned about dripping water all over the floor…” He frowns slightly, then shrugs. “Never had to worry about it with stone or dirt, but hardwood isn't uh, isn't really a fan of moisture.”

In a last ditch effort to get Caduceus to maybe blush or something, Molly nods at Caduceus’s groin. “Were you taking a cold bath?”

“Yeah,” Caduceus says brightly. “A good cold bath really wakes up the nerves.”

Molly stares. That’s not what he was expecting. If anything, he thought Caduceus might have taken such a warm relaxing bath it gave him an involuntary erection. Gods, if that’s what it looks like when Caduceus is cold…

The others groan in disbelief when Molly tells them what happened. He conveniently left out the last bit of the story.

“Are you _sure_ we shouldn’t rub rotten fish on his stuff?” Fjord asks.

“That might not be a bad idea,” Molly says bitterly. He sips his afternoon ale. It’s not great. Not the worst swill he’s ever had, but it’s not getting him as drunk as he’d like for how much he has had so far. A little thought in the back of his head muses that Caduceus probably has such low tolerance that he’d get drunk from a single gulp. Molly nearly chokes. “Wait! Shit! Everyone else shut up! I’ve got it!”

And so when Caduceus orders himself a cup of tea later, Caleb engages him in a conversation about the book on corrupted plants he got him in the Happy Fun Ball before he can drink any. Beau subtly slips the teacup off the saucer, chugs half of it, refills it with alcohol, and puts it back. Not a few seconds after Beau sneaks away, Caduceus reaches for his tea and takes a sip.

Caduceus pulls a face immediately. He wrinkles his nose and sticks out his tongue. “Oh. Oh no that is terrible. Ugh. I’m not sure what leaves they’re using but in addition to overbrewing them I’m pretty sure they weren’t dried properly in the first place.” He sets the cup on its saucer. “I’ll make my own later.” Shaking his head briefly, he smiles to Caleb. “Sorry. You were saying?”

To Caleb’s benefit, there’s nothing in the human’s expression that gives away anything other than concern that Caduceus got some bad tea. Molly, Beau, and Fjord, who are watching from their table, grit their teeth and shake their fists.

When Caduceus does brew himself some tea later, he invites the others to have some as well. “It’s much better than what they serve here,” he says somewhat proudly.

Molly has always been intrigued by Caduceus’s teas. There are such interesting stories behind the people they grew from. Sometimes he wonders what Tealeaf tea would taste like, but he would have to be dead again long enough for leaves to grow, then have them bring him back to drink it. He bets it would be invigorating though. His tail flicks with interest at Caduceus’s offer. “Sure, pour me a cup.”

Fjord and Beau also accept, though Caleb, Jester, and Nott are out shopping. The tea is sweet at first, but with a bitter aftertaste. Some of Caduceus’s other blends have done something similar, but Molly isn’t a fan of this one.

It’s not until later that he fully understands. It feels like someone summoned a tiny angry dragon in his guts. It claws and beats its wings and tries to dig its way down and out of him. He barely makes it to the toilet in time. As he’s about to unload he hears thumping footsteps approach hastily followed by pounding on the door.

“Occupied,” he calls.

“ _Fuck you Molly I need to get in there!_ ” Beau sounds as desperate as he felt.

Molly grunts. “Yeah, well, I need it too. Go outside.”

“Shhhhh _it_.” Footsteps depart. Molly thinks he can hear angry whimpering getting further away as well.

Shortly thereafter, there’s a slightly more polite knock on the door. “Hello?” Fjord says, his voice strained.

Molly clenches his fists. “All booked up, sorry.”

Fjord groans. “I’m starting to think that tea wasn’t just tea.”

“…Oh, fuck you’re — _hrrngk_ — you’re probably right.” Molly sighs. “If you want, Beau’s probably shitting in the alley out back. I’m sure there’s extra space there.”

“Thanks. Um… I think I can wait.”

To Molly’s surprise, Fjord is still there when he finishes up, exhausted, sore, and starving. Fjord gives him a nod then dashes inside and slams the door. Molly limps downstairs. He’s not in the mood for anything heavy, but he’s able to order half a loaf of warm bread with some butter and a bit of fruit on the side. When Beau comes back in and Fjord makes his way downstairs, Molly offers some of it to them. Beau grunts her thanks but collapses into a chair and drops her face onto the tabletop. Fjord cuts off a chunk of bread and nibbles it.

Caduceus comes downstairs with a smile on his face. “Hey guys,” he says.

The trio groans in unison.

“Oh, right, should have mentioned, that tea is uh, pretty intense when you’re not used to it. Really good for clearing you out if you’ve been backed up, and it keeps you regular once you get acclimated.” Caduceus’s smile sharpens into something wickedly impish. “By the way,” he says, his voice taking on the same mischievous edge, “I understand all of you didn’t grow up with siblings, but uh…well, let’s just say I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve done a lot, and if you’re looking to start a prank war, I feel it’s only fair to warn you…” His smile curls into a grin that churns Molly’s stomach almost as much as the tea did. “I play dirty.”

Molly realizes he has stumbled into territory far darker and wilder than he anticipated. Still, he can’t help but smile back. This is a side of Caduceus he didn’t think he would see.

And he likes it.

**Author's Note:**

> I rolled for Beau's slight-of-hand on spiking the tea, and I kid you not, it was a natural 20.
> 
> Only rolled an 11 for constitution in resisting the tea's effects though. (Molly got 12, Fjord got 14. Caduceus is naturally immune.)


End file.
